I have found that I share a different outlook on the Christmas than almost everyone else (I won't be arrogant and say everyone because I am sure SOMEONE out there must agree with me. I'm just not sure who.).
I don't feel that there is any need for anyone to get me presents for Christmas. I feel that people have been given the idea that they have to purchase something to show that they care for you. That they can't show they care through other ways (i.e. making something, a hug, showing it the rest of the year, etc.). I think that it also teaches our children that affections can be bought (at least one day out of the year).
I don't want to hurt the people who we love and care for. We have quite a few friends in PA and will treasure them for the rest of our lives. The names go on and on (not as long a list as most people have, but still a few). We have had many people here show they care in immeasurable ways. Why does it have to involve purchases at Christmas when I can see how they feel the rest of the year? The dilemma breaks my heart.
On top of that, this is not isolated to Christmas. I feel the same way about birthday presents. In fact, about the only time I am willing to accept presents would be between my wife and me.
The problem arises when I have express this to other people and I get incredulous looks. Inevitably, to a T, I get the present anyway and a "Well, we just ignored you because we care". From my viewpoint, this does not honor me, even though I know that the giver has the entirely opposite intention (when it happens, the person is someone I think the world of and has a heart of 100 karat gold).
It is not like this is a peripheral belief and I can just placate the person and move on. This has become a core belief or, as they would say in the Army, a "hill to die on" (fight to the end). I worry about hurting people's feelings, but would really like people to understand where I am coming from.
5 comments:
i think that we are in the minority about this. i just think that so much time and energy is spent on buying gifts that we either don't need, or don't want or that we need and could have gone out ourselves and bought. the older i get, the more i see that Christmas has become a commercialized scheme to boost the economy. in our family we are buying less gifts for our children because they already have so much and we don't want them to get caught up in the whole buying frenzy of Christmas. Also, we no longer buy presents for my sisters (3) and my neices and nephews (6). Reason being it just got to the point that all of our families were scurrying to buy toys for the kids and wasting a lot of money. My sisters and i mutually agreed to this change in policy.
It is sad that people feel obligated to give gifts at christmas. i would like it more if it was just a simple day like Thanksgiving. A wonderful meal and a great time with family and friends. that would be my ideal christmas. let's start a movement to simplify christmas by at least limiting the amount of presents that each person gets to say three. what do you think?
But how do you get people to agree not to buy presents. I have tried to get it to stop and do not find it possible. Most people feel shorted if they can not give presents. I don't know if you have heard of the five love languages (1. Acts of service, 2. Quality Time, 3. Physical Touch, 4. Giving Presents, 5. Words of Affirmation), but my love language has become quality time. Presents come and go, but good quality time stays for an eternity. When we lived in Oak Harbor WA (and Everett WA, and Wahiawa HI), we had many nights where we would have many friends over for conversation and a good game of cards (name a game and we probably tried it). Now THAT beats presents, hands-down, every time.
Plus there are people who believe that giving presents are the equal of the gifts that the Magi gave to the Christ child. I'm not sure I buy into that one either. Especially when it comes from someone who is an atheist or has no idea of what the Christmas holiday is really about (Christ's mass).
I'm a 75 year old frail Grandfather from Texas, and I love to receive presents. It takes me back to my childhood, rekindles that warm loving feeling in my heart, and refreshes my outlook on life and the people around me. I sure don't want this taken away from me, as I've been very sick for many years and knowing that I have loving friends and family in my life that truly care for me and want to express their love through sharing a small gift, is something that I thank my God for each and evey day on this earth.
As I grow older, I notice my loving children don't have a lot of extra time for me due to pressing family responsibilities, and having established times of the year (like birthdays, holidays, etc) to exchange presents, is not only a healthy exercise, but those small gifts are normally given for reasons of love and appreciation. You and I can always detemine the people that are giving with the wrong intent, but please don't exclude all of the loving and generous people in this troubled world that take the time to express their love through giving and remembering.
Maybe it's time for this guy Tony to reach out a little farther, open his eyes to a loving world and reasses his priorities and soften his stand on what he viewes as a "Negative Exercise." Or, he can continue his belief and stand on the outside of the circle of life, rejecting some wonderful people, and push away those good folks that care and just want to extend their love for the right reasons. Either way, his belief system and right to expresss it needs to be protected, as a right of self expression. Growing older but hopefully wiser here in Texas.
Dear 75 year old frail grandfather from TX,
I also had a very wonderful childhood. I remember (vividly) having tons of packages under the Christmas tree, going to both sets of grandparents for presents and even being involved in getting presents from them. Even with that, I experienced more love from my loving multi-generational family than anyone else experiences in a lifetime. I have been honored by knowing three previous generations of ancestors who were all loving. Love is something that I have been blessed with and am very thankful for.
Though my blog may appear that I have become a Scrooge and want to say "Bah, Humbug!" on Christmas and presents, this is the farthest thing from the truth. It is just that the presents I desire are of an abstract kind. Why does a present have to come ready-made from the store with a price tag attached? Is this really what Christmas is about or have we bought a Madison Avenue/Hollywood pitch (hook, line and sinker)? For me, a long conversation with someone that I am apart from means MUCH more than a new sweater. In fact, there are some things that I have experienced this year which have so filled my heart with love that they will remain with me for the rest of my life. So do I need presents after that? Not really.
To tell the truth, I also quit getting birthday presents many years ago (that one includes the wife and kids). I have also been counseled about that. It has nothing to do with getting old (I will get old whether or not I get presents). In fact, the best birthday that I ever had was one where my family forgot that it was my birthday. Turned out to be a very quiet day and that was good.
In fact, one of the best presents that I got wasn't a present at all. It was a card with an old picture on the front where I was in a rather unusual swimsuit. It was handmade and meant MORE to me than any present I could have ever gotten. Now THAT is an example of something that I would rather get. It's not a present and it showed a lot of love.
Try it sometime. For a birthday or Christmas, let the ones around you know that you don't want presents, but would rather have something more precious than presents. You may find that it is the most pleasurable experience you could ever have.
but doesnt your not wanting presents due to your love language (quality time) impinge on other peoples' love languages? what if one of your "dearly loved" wants to show you their love by giving gifts? what if there is a thought behind that gift? what if someone you love has "giving gifts" as a love language? does that change anything or would you still stubbornly refuse gifts?
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